Thursday, October 8, 2009

Hard News: Elizabethan Chubbies

"Hey, so did you guys know that in Elizabethan England it was considered cute to be chubby? Seriously. Skinny old Paris Hilton would have been kicked out of the cool club. If you were thin, it meant you were too poor to buy food and if you were plump it meant you were rich. Makes sense, huh?"

Here's a Shakespeare-in-Lovely about to be bounced from the in-crowd:

While Gwyneth Paltrow converts the Camden home she shares with her husband, Coldplay crooner Chris Martin, into a 33-room mansion, she occasionally moves into a local hotel to get away from the builders.

Gorgeous Gwyneth enjoys dining in the nude, thinking it makes her eat less.

Ms. Paltrow lost credibility with me when she named one of her kids a noun:

"This is Table and his little sister Dish."

If I started eating dinner bare-naked, everyone in our house, including the dog and cat, would verge on anorexic. Talk about an appetite suppressant.

Rich Elizabethans existed on a steady diet of veal, mutton and calves' feet, followed by jams, pies and cakes, all swished down the gullet with wine, ale and mead — at the rate of a gallon per person, per day.

Ergo: Rich Elizabethans enjoyed gout, beaming away with rotten black teeth as they heaved their blubber around dance halls in drunken fits of hilarity.

Poor Elizabethans toiled sun-up to sunset in the fields, sustained on fruits and vegetables.

Thus: The poor lived healthier and had better sex. (I made that last part up.)

If you're feeling rich, whip up one of these fanciful cocktails: Angel's Food or Dragon's Milk. Or perhaps a beer: Dog Bolter or Fursty Ferret.

Myself, I think I'd best get dressed, plow the back forty and dig around for a carrot.

Paltrow article/picture from the Daily Mail

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