Friday, May 13, 2011

Jolly Old King Nutbar

"Remember our fat friend, Henry the Eighth?"


"So, I saw this television program the other day all about King Henry and his dazzling wardrobe. For example, his doublet was made of real gold thread and sewn into it were pearls, rubies and sapphires."

Whoa, real rubies, Ms. Ryane?

This came from Bailey, who is big on accessories. Bailey has a vast collection of hair bows, ribbons and feathers. Don't tell her mom, but I'm seeing Vegas in this girl's future.

"And guess how many palaces King Henry had....Go on...give me some numbers."


No, six.

Yeah, six!

"Oh, I hear where you're going with that....Six wives, six palaces....Makes sense but nope, not six. Do you remember the wife rhyme?"

Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived!

Ms. Ryane, what does beheaded mean, again?

I swept my index finger across my throat.

Oh, yeah...I remember.

"Okay, ready? Here's how many palaces Henry the Eighth had....Ready?"



Nooooo waaay!

"Oh yeah. Sixty palaces with sixty huge gardens and staffs in each one, always ready in case Henry dropped in for a gigantic snack, because we all know what King Henry liked to do best, right?"


When I told this story earlier to the girls in The Plot People, Millie drew a picture of Henry VIII as a baby. She narrowed in on early developmental problems in the royal boy: She had him ripping heads off dollies in the castle playroom.

Coulda happened — pre-Freud and all that — who knew he'd be such a bad seed?

If I was King I would have BIG specil place for me and my buddy's to eat chicken + steak. I would hire actors to amuse me every night befor bed. I would have a pet zebra named Fill for me to ride and love. I would live in a casle I built myself of corse not litterly some will do but I hope it will be in a book. I would call myself King Jackson to 233. I would have a pupy who speacks Spanish and english. I would have a hat made out of sushi, and soda, and popcorn, I would make an adoshon home made out of ANYTHING they want.
—Bailey, 4th grade


  1. Actors can be very entertaining before bed! But what's an "adoshon"?

  2. Your guess is as good as mine and I don't have any guesses.


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