Friday, August 12, 2011

'What If They Hate Us?'

"Well, only idiots would hate you and this production. That's all I have to say about that."

Certainly idiots have been known to attend plays, and no doubt idiots have graced our campus...but not on my watch, not today. I'd take one of our plastic swords and run them through if it came to that.

"Bridget, take your place and everyone will fall in behind you."

Bridget took her place and no one else moved.

"Okay, this is where you line up behind Bridget, remember? This is the first thing that will blow your parents' minds...when they see you enter the auditorium in a perfect row, climb to the stage and take your places like professional actors. You get this part right and there will be no hating going on. They'll be too afraid of you."

Twenty kids jostled into a line. The boys were particularly nutty. As soon as I turned away to make sure the crew was set, the boy actors rolled on the floor, spinning on their behinds like hip-hop artists.

"Hey guys...come on, this is not the cool crowd I'm looking for....A straight, professional line...let's go...your audience is a-comin'."

We ran through the curtain call before a quick briefing on cheesy versus non-cheesy.

"When your friends, teachers or family members arrive, you will remain clear as glass, still and prepared. You don't jump up and down or wriggle around shouting, 'Hey Auntie I am!' Should we practice cheesy and get it out of our systems?"

Oh yeah. They love getting cheesy out. I call names and wave and they shine me on as if I were a nobody.

"Good, that's terrific. I think you've got it. Do you have it, Laci? Do you understand?"

Yes, Ms. Ryane...I really do understand.

Of course, Laci was the first one waving her arm off at audience members...during the performance.

Oh isn't a bad color for my face.

Dear Lysander

I love you so much that I miss you so much.

Roses are red and vilouts are blue I wan't wait to see you. Love your girlfriend because I love you Lysander.

—Wendy, 4th grade

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